Friday, November 12, 2004

Final comments

Here's how I feel today: Shitty. That's right, folks, I capitalized the S for emphasis. My life for the past month or so has been an exercise in futility. Without getting into it too much, it seems like I've been struggling up a mountain that has an artificial ceiling at the top. You can't stand on the top, and you can't go over the mountain either. Every step you've taken to get as far up the mountain as you have is erased by the person who stands at the top, who doesn't really want to be bothered with you in the first place. No matter how many times you've tried to show the top your efforts to dig your bleeding fingers into crevices, to get higher up on the mountain, it doesn't matter - the top never wanted you to succeed in the first place. Futility. The person at the top only wanted the answers, and didn't care about how you got there. Even if you didn't have any idea how to get there. And the only way you would know how to get there is to be shown. You aren't born with the map to the answers. There's no X marks the spot.
I'm sorry about the ambiguity. Is that even a word? I don't particularly care - it says what I want it to. The ambiguity is required, however, because of my intense paranoia and respect for the matter at hand. The sum of the story: I am completely fucked.


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